I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
