id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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