my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize