My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
