I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize