i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
