you would pick up someone in the library
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
