he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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