I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
