They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm bleeding and have questions
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
