When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize