Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
