the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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