I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
