I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I wish i was in the wii world.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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