its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
he thought i was a dude.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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