Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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