I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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