Someone shit on the floor
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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