So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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