If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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