He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Randomize
