The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You were trust falling into bushes
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize