I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I party with great urgency now.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
