made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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