Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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