Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
As shirtless as possible
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
