so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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