A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
