How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
