hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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