I'm so fucking centered right now
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
