Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
