I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
