My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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