you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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