dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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