I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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