I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
