Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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