chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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