At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
