If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
