Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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