It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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