Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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