I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
