i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
