i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
