i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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