I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
