i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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