i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
