Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
