hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
