There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
