In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
