We're like a lot better than the average bears
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
