So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
