i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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