im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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