Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize