Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Sext me about skeletons
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
