sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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