"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
