Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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