put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
