she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
