she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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