Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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