tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
