dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
